Mrsupole's Crap

Flu Shots

2012-01-10T01:56:00.000-08:00

No Need For a Flu Shot!!!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her, she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl. Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?", pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease."

"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

*********************************************************************************************

I have been so terrible about posting here and figure it is about time that I get my crap in gear. This was emailed to me and I figure it is worth sharing, I mean since I guffawed after reading it. It is a good thing I did not have to go potty or I might have made a mess. Plus if I had an organ then this would be as good a use for a condom as anything at my age.

Although if you think about it, what a great way to approach the young ones of today about the use of protection. Also imagine the stories they would pass along so maybe not quite as many of their generation would be catching the "flu".

Let me know what you think, should I put a "whatchamacallit" in a bowl? Would you be brave enough?

Cheap Asses

2010-07-06T20:25:00.001-07:00

Knickerless

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,"For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

*****************************************************
After reading this joke emailed to me, I realized why my hubby was such a cheap ass. He is of Scottish and English descent, and possibly somewhere in there is a little bit of the Irishman. He is always complaining about how much of his money I waste, and with me not working anymore, for some reason he thinks it is all "his" money.

Geez, do I have some news for him.

We live in frickin California, and in this state what is yours is mine and what is mine is mine. So does the man not know that only half of what I waste is his and all of it is mine. I keep telling him about these things and he just keeps ignoring me. I think I need to get his hearing checked or I am not nagging him enough.

And then the other day he had the nerve to tell me that it was my job to go through everything in the refrigerator every single day, and throw out what was bad. If he thinks I am going to touch those moldy green fuzzy things in there, then he better think again. I actually thought the refrigerator was my secret scientific lab where upon I was trying to discover some secret cure for anything that ails you. Isn't that how penicillin was discovered? The man does not know how brilliant of a scientist I truly am. Do I have to write everything down for him?

He needs to quit being such a cheap ass and hire a cleaning lady to do those things. And while he is at it, he can hire a man to tidy up some things "down there" for me. I guess it is true about that saying, "Once a cheap ass, always a cheap ass!".

So all I am going to say is be very, very, very careful when choosing the man you are going to marry or you may end up with a cheap ass like I did.
*****************************************************
All right, I am just kidding, well kinda, my hubby is a good, hard working man who hands over his paycheck every two weeks and lets me buy whatever I want. Hence, all the Costco trips. Between the two of us I am probably the cheap ass. I search for bargains and what is on sale and will go without something if it is too expensive, while he will just ask me what I want and then buy it.

Did you know that you can negotiate with some companies to have them lower your monthly charges? Hubby thinks I am crazy because I do this but being the cheap ass that I am, I want to save as much as I possibly can. That way maybe someday I can really pay someone to clean out my refrigerator or just buy a new one. But I am still not touching the moldy green fuzzy things growing in there, he will just have to clean that stuff out himself.

Bra Codes

2010-05-29T00:23:00.000-07:00

I had never heard of this bra code before, but my friend JR sent it to me and I knew I had to share this with all of you. I do have to say that I am not sure what sizes the Man-Bras come in but I will add a comment for the Man-Bras too. I hope you all enjoy this and remember it each time you put your bra on.

They forgot the training bra but since there is usually nothing in it then maybe it is not a size. I doubt there is a Man-bra for men training to wear one. I think they just get shocked when they move into any size.

Man-Bra size A....Ack, I need a bra. Are you sure?

Man-Bra size B....But it is just a muscle. Yeah right!!

Man-Bra size C....Crap, Crap, Crap, what the hell is happening?

Man-Bra size D....Damn it, what are these things?

Man-Bra size DD....Double Damn it, what's happening to me? I'm going to Dunkin Donuts, would you like one?

I noticed there was no picture with an E size for Women so I will make up what I think E says.

Woman-Bra size E....Excessive Excellence!!!

Man-Bra size E....Excessive Eating got me here!

**************************************************************

Man-Bra size F....Four Pounders, almost Five Pounders. Cool, I'm hungry.

Man-Bra size G....Gawd, I can't see my beer belly anymore!!!

Man-Bra size H....Hell, I bumped into it again. It is getting harder and harder to get through the doors and Hell, it hurts if I try to sleep on my stomach. Hell, I can't see if my shoes are tied. Hell, I need another beer, good thing these man-boobs can hold the bottle for me. Hell, I am so sexy looking. Hell, I love these man-boobs.

I hope you have enjoyed this lesson on how to read the Bra-Meter codes for both the Woman-Bras and the Man-Bras.

If you have any questions please contact your nearest Victor/Victoria Secrets Store. Last time I checked they had the sexiest Man-Bras and Woman-Bras available. They also give discounts for each couple who purchase their bras there. Enjoy.

I Knew There Was A Reason!!!

2010-04-07T03:36:00.000-07:00

With time, women gain weight because they accumulate so much information and wisdom in their heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of their bodies. So they aren’t heavy, they are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, good grief, look how smart I am!

Wow, some scientist just discovered what I have known for the last ten years. It must have been a male scientist because we women have been keeping this secret to ourselves for quite a while.

Plus because I like to think I am so very, very smart, I have bought me one of those big magnifying mirrors. I just look into it and say, "Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the smartest of them all?" I then turn around and it answers, "You are." Well at least it does when I hit the talking button I programmed into it. And that was so smart of me to do that. You should see the shocked looks people give me when they hear it talking.

Okay, just kidding, it only talks to me and I never have to hit the button.

GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS

2010-03-19T02:03:00.000-07:00

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland
asked The priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for
my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits.
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you...I
will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question
you."

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go
ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date...unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,
Father."

"Next!"

I just had to share this one. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

2010-03-13T03:43:00.000-08:00

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies (That Really Work!)

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice. Yes, someone sent me this because they heard I was cutting potatoes for some french fries on my mandoline slicer, and sliced my finger on it. The blades were so sharp that I never felt the slice, but when I almost fried my finger pieces, I knew something was wrong.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. Or just pee outside by the back fence, or in the neighbors yard. Well, the bathtub also works, as long as you pee by the drain. Although they do sell those automatic seats that put it down for you.
Picture from Wikipedia

3. For High Blood Pressure sufferers ~ Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a Timer. I can only say that you need to make sure your timer is working properly and thus avoiding a costly ambulance ride. Hubby was not happy when the city sent a bill for $500. He is now more willing to go to the pharmacy and get my meds.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. After my fingers healed, I just threw out that damn alarm clock. I then got a real mouse and an hourglass timer. But now the damn mouse is getting smarter about going for the cheese. Although it doesn't have any fingers (or is it claws) anymore, so as to hold the cheese, so it can eat. Now I am gonna have to get a new mouse, maybe I should get a rat, I have heard that Ben is fairly smart.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough. Who needs laxatives, if you are eating a diet high in fiber, then you accomplish the same thing. But this way it is all naturale, if you know what I mean. But please make sure you are sitting on the toilet if you do cough, otherwise it is not a pretty picture.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. (But you already knew that, right?) Make sure you do not eat any WD-40 and cough, not a pretty picture there. And be sure that when you are duct taping certain parts of your body so as to keep them in a more upright posititon, just keep the duct tape on until it falls off on its own accord. It hurts like hell if you try to remove the duct tape on your own or have someone else do it for you. Although the other person removing it usually laughs so hard they pee their pants, so maybe the pain is worth it.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrial problem. Oh sure, now they tell me this, after another expensive ambulance trip. Although it was worth seeing those emergency people pee their pants because they were laughing so hard while trying to pry the hammer out of my hand. Hubby refused to pay that bill and told them that he should be charging them for all the entertainment they got on that trip. We hope to die before we have to pay the lein that they put on our house.

The Worst Food

2010-02-24T00:42:00.000-08:00

Here's another one:

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford, "The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Photo from WeddingChannel.com (Got cake?)

I think I know some people who would agree with this. What do you think? Is there any other food that you can think of that causes more grief and suffering for years after eating it.?

BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR

2010-02-19T02:52:00.000-08:00

I know you might have seen this before, but if not, it was just too funny to not share again.

And Baby Ruth is one of my favorite candy bars. Just imagine how many candy bars someone had to eat to come up with this. Only a few of my other favorite's are missing. I am thinking I am going to have to go see how many of these I have in the cupboard right now. Yup all but 5 of them are there.

Can you figure out which 9 I have and which 5 I do not. Snickering, snickering to myself while I am indulging myself. I think I need to do about a million of those potato bag exercises right now. Big Sigh!!!!

2010-02-02T02:54:00.000-08:00

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags... Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Picture from Wikipedia

See the things my family sends to me. Ha, if they think they are going to get me to exercise when I reach the ripe young age of 50 in about 30 years or so.

As to the potato, did you know that China is the largest producer of potatoes. I thought they only ate rice. Do you think they put potatoes in their Dog Brain Soup? Peru is the birthplace of potatoes and almost 99% of the currently cultivated potatoes of today are related to a potato from Chile. A fungus-like blight caused the potato famine in Ireland. I thought all potatoes originally came from Ireland, although most of the produce in the market today says it comes from Chile, I guess I should not be so surprized about this.

Wow, they made me exercise my mind, maybe I do need to exercise my body. I will think about it tomorrow, after I get done reading all about potatoes on Wikipedia. Wikipedia rocks!!!!

NEW FORD

2010-01-14T04:32:00.000-08:00

Another funny thing I received in my e-mail that is worth sharing. Where do people come up with this stuff?

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

I was drug here and there!!

2009-12-15T03:24:00.000-08:00

A Good Drug Problem......

There are bad drugs and there are good drugs and then there is just "drug". Maybe we do need to drug em to church and to do the things they should. Read this and let me know what you think and if you were drug around too. I think I was drugged and pulled to many things I did not want to go to, but look how good I turned out. I hope you all believe this crap I just wrote about, me being good, hehe, like that is ever gonna happen. I think I need to be drugged to some more places.

God bless.

Word Definition Day!!

2009-11-23T02:43:00.000-08:00

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's crap... that's right, crap!

Crap may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke crap, buy crap, play craps, sell crap, lose crap, find crap, forget crap, and tell others to eat crap.

Some people know their crap, while others can't tell the difference between crap and crapola.

There is dumb crap, and crazy crap, bull crap, horse crap, and chicken crap.

You can throw crap, sling crap, catch crap, shoot the crap, or duck when
the crap hits the fan.

You can give a crap or serve crap.

You can find yourself in deep crap or be happier than a pig in crap.

Some days are colder than crap, some days are hotter than crap, and some days are just plain crappy.

Some music sounds like crap, things can look like crap, and there are times when you feel like crap.

You can have too much crap, not enough crap, the right crap, the wrong crap, or a lot of weird crap.

You can carry crap, have a mountain of crap, or find yourself up crappy creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to crap, while other times you can fall in a bucket of crap and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, crap's the basic building block of
the English language.

And remember, once you know your crap, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could share this if you gave a crap; or not, if you don't
give a crap!

Well, crap, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a
crap and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of crap. But, if you
happened to catch a load of crap from some crap-head...........

Well, "Crap Happens" - just the depth varies!!!

Yes, the real word is "Sh*t", but due to my crap blog name, I had to go with the flow and use "Crap".

What makes them do it?

2009-11-08T02:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't.

Do you ever wonder if you are the sane one and everything in the world is just crazy and chaotic, but then do you sometimes wonder if you are not the sane one? I think we all have moments when the chaos in our life can get to us, our stress levels rise, things are not going the way we want them to, and sometimes we can lose it and go just a little crazy.

Luckily when this happens to the majority of us, we calm down and try to fix the chaos and bring our stress levels down.

But there are some who do go crazy and harm others. Then again there are those that harm others while being perfectly sane, and they do this in the name of their religious beliefs. I am not sure if they are sane or not sane, but they are indoctrinated by others who want them to harm others. I have no sympathy for them, and I think they are very weak minded, to be so easily influenced to harm others. Maybe it is wrong of me to not have sympathy for them, but my sympathy goes to their victims. I try to feel sorry for them, and I know I should. I will have to work on this. But the really crazy insane people, yes I feel sorry for them.

I hope that you all join me and say prayers for all the victims. In the last few weeks there seem to be so many. They and their families are in my prayers.

Join the Sit Down!!!!!!!!

2009-10-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

My first thought when seeing this was Ewwwww.
My second thought was if hubby did that, he had better clean it up.
Then I laughed.
Women are so smart!!
We understand what we read, at least sometimes.

So what was your first thought? Second?

The Trooper Award!!!!

2009-10-20T02:35:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

Last week I was given this award, along with Subt's mom and Linda, by Christina. It is for all the pain and suffering that we have been going through this year. And that we are Troopers for taking up the fight against an army of evil health invaders.

Thank you Christina!!!!!!!! I need to remember to keep fighting.

The only rule that I could find was: Never. give. up!

Well, I think that was the only rule. But then again she did say this about the rules.........

"I don't feel like attaching any rules to it. If you'd like to pass it on and you know someone who is deserving, go ahead. If not, fine by me."

Okay, I admit it. I made the only rule. And I made my trooper a little, well I mean a lot larger. That is because I have been having a lot of pain. I hope Christina is okay with that.

So I am passing this award on to whoever is suffering and in pain too. I hope that if you know anyone who is a "Trooper", you will pass along this award to them too.

Thank you everyone for your get well wishes. I really do appreciate them.

God bless.

And I Thought Only a Roof Could Have Shingles

2009-10-09T14:31:00.000-07:00

Crap, crap, crap and more crap. This has been the year of tribulation for Crone and Bear It. It wasn't enough to dislocate my shoulder and break my back. No I had to have plantars fascitis attack my left foot and my left knee go hinky on me for awhile. And then just when it all started to turn around about a week ago I came down with a sinus infection and a toothache. Dr prescribed antibiotics for sinus infection; dentist said it was the sinus cavity pressing on the nerve of my tooth and as the sinus infection cleared up so would my toothache.

They both lied to me. I took the antibiotics. I let the dental assistant, Demento, perform a deep cleaning on that one tooth (just in case there was some extra bacteria). On day 5 of the antibiotics I broke out in a horrid rash on my neck, front and back. The rash got worse - it started to blister - it's climbing up into my hairline (ouch).

I go back to Dr today and he says "You don't have an allergic reaction to the antibiotic, YOU HAVE SHINGLES!" Well, crap on a crutch.

Percoset for the pain, a creme to put on 6 times a day, an antiviral pill 3 times a day which is as big as a horse pill and I'm on house arrest for 10 days.

We don't know if Devoted Spouse ever had Chicken Pox as a kid -- because I have Shingles, he can actually come down with Chicken Pox. Sweet merciful heavens.

This year cannot end soon enough.

Crap, crap and more crap. I thought only old people got Shingles. I look like a freakin' leper.

Crap.

Picture of me after my surgery!!!

2009-10-06T05:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, someone took this snapshot of me when I was walking from my bed to the bathroom......I knew I was feeling this breeze coming in, but I wasn't quite sure what was happening due to me feeling so good. I am not sure why my arm is not in the sling....oh wait....that is a picture the nurse took of my hubby when he was crossdressing with my gown. Yeah the breeze I was feeling was because my gown was gone. Good thing the nurse walked in and covered me up. I wondered why everyone kept looking at us both so funny when we were leaving. I guess next time I am gonna make him bring two robes, one for him and one for me.

Where Sh*tty Ideas Come From!

2009-09-24T04:18:00.000-07:00

Yup, I have known for years that is where they come from.
Too cute to not share. Enjoy.

Wonderful Pics of Married Bliss

2009-09-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

I told my hubby to stop posting pictures of us online, just look what he posted. And he wonders why I am in such a crappy mood today. He is not very photogenic, it is a good thing I am so gorgeous and all.

Do You Qualify?

2009-08-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get the cutest e-mail and this one is so cute......oh all right it is really crappy too, but a funny kind of crappy.

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

-- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........
I QUALIFY - How about You?

Unfortunately I do qualify, sometimes. Getting older sucks sometimes but I also realize that it does beat the alternative.

So please let me know if you qualify too, and do we have a name for this club that we belong to.

It's Not a Laptop; It's a Craptop

2009-08-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

Would someone please make a computer for me - a computer that works - just works even for one day - works without crashing, without leaving snarky notes about how you need a new driver and you should go online to find it but when you get there you're told there is no new driver update available. Just one day of perfect computing - that's all I ask. Is it too much? I don't think so. I'm tired of my laptop to the point I shall now refer to it as my craptop.

I have been through more computers than a Swine Flu sufferer goes through Kleenex. One after another I'm sucked into buying this Dell or that Dell and always I'm disappointed with my purchase -- it costs too much, and invariably ends up not working correctly.

My current craptop is less than two years old - it's a PC w/Vista which I think was delivered to Microsoft by the Taliban because it is truly the most evil operating system there is. It constantly crashes and I get the blue screen of death and everything goes to hell in a handbasket as I try feverishly to fix the issue. There are battery problems -- I can't tell you how many times this machine has simply frozen on me to the point where I had to unplug it and simply take out the battery and let it cool off and then start all over again. Acckkkk it's enough to make me take up drinking; oh crap, I already do that. Maybe I'll just drink more.

I have an adorable IT guru who frequently takes care of me and my computer -- but he rarely finds anything wrong -- I'm convinced he thinks it's all in my head and that, too, is making me a raving lunatic. He worked on this craptop yesterday, called me last night to tell me there's not a thing wrong with it. Gah... He came over this afternoon and changed out my Antivirus software for something he likes better. He gave me the look. The one that says, "I know I have to be patient with you because you're my friend, but you are truly techno stupid." That look. The one that says, "I feel so sorry for you." I hate that look. I hate technology.

I'm using an old cell phone with no web access but I can text - but dammit it's so hard to control the steering wheel at the same time....just kidding. It is an old useless phone. I'd like to buy one of the new ones - those phones with "apps" - for the longest time I thought "what the hell is an app?" Why must we abbreviate everything these days? Crap - app - acckkk. I probably wouldn't know how to run half of them anyway. I just recently figured out my GPS but the lady's voice annoys me to no end so I'd rather consult a map. I won't even begin to tell you the nightmare of my mp3 player - I had to get a man older than myself to help me with that and that fact alone about sent me to bed.

I just long for the old days - I want my IBM Selectric typewriter back - I want real inkpens and I want lots of paper journals. Gah...I'm simply living in the wrong century.

I have to go check my laptop for Windows Updates now - my IT guru tells me that's very important -- if only there was an Update for me...

Trapped!!!

2009-08-07T01:31:00.000-07:00

I hear this loud "Bang" and I knew what it meant. Well at least I hoped I knew what it meant. It could have been someone nearby shooting a gun or lighting a firework, but I knew it just had to be what I was really wanting it to be.

The last few days after my Physical Therapy have been pretty hard on me. My shoulder hurts like crap and then I am expected to do the exercises at home. I have to take the pulley and pull up my left arm with my right arm doing all the work. And I have to pull it up and back. The other exercise is to bend my body slightly and circle and circle. OUCH is all I can say.

Last night I had written an e-mail which took me almost 3 hours to complete and then I try to send it. My freaking crappy e-mail wipes the whole thing out. I felt like crying. It was painful to write so much and then my hand was going numb. This is why I have not been writing too many comments. It takes too long (heck this is taking a long time).

And no matter how hard I tried to bring that e-mail back up, it would not work. So I shut my laptop before I decided to throw it across the room, but I knew I did not have the strength to do that. I layed on my couch and watched my DVR recordings that I had made. Then I crawled into bed, still upset and not looking at my laptop. I think I woke up and went on the desktop, but I usually do not remember due to the Ambien. Which is why I sometimes do not even remember my comments that I make until I read them with my next visit.

Okay, back to tonight. I had visited some posts and only maybe left one comment or two. I was being very good. Then I knew I had better tackle that e-mail again. It took a little over an hour to type it (shorter this time), but I did it and then I made a copy. I hit 'send' again and the crappy e-mail wiped it out again. I almost threw the laptop for sure, but I knew it was the e-mail site and not the laptop. All I could think about was that I was so thankful I had made a copy. I paste it in and try to send again. Wiped out again. What the crap. Calming thoughts, calming thoughts, calming thoughts. Then try again.

Did it go through or did I throw my laptop. Uh.....success, at least I hope so.

Then I am wiped out and have to get the ice pack back on my shoulder. So back to lying on the couch and then "Bang". I get up look out on the patio and the trap door is shut. But I need to check. I go get the flashlight and turn it on. I go out there and the cats are just sitting around the trap. Maybe they set it off. But I better check.

There it is, there is 'My Possum'. Trapped in the trap. And the possum has grown even larger than it was before when I wrote the poem about it. Now that we have discovered there are two possums I am wondering if this is the one in my picture. I check the picture and it looks exactly like the one in my pictures. The other one's face is almost all white and this one has some grey in it. It is as big as my cats Joey and Jericho. And it is hissing at me and ready to bite me.

Hubby is sleeping now because it is after 1 am and luckily he is off tomorrow and will have to take that possum to the city shelter or take it to a field. I have to tell him to take it to a field far away and release it. That way it hopefully will not come back here. The shelter might dispose of it. But I guess that is okay too. I just want them gone before they bite one of my cats. Those possums are mean when they hiss, and their mouths get real big. Scarey little buggers.

So I hope the trap works for catching the other one. It is now worth the 50 dollars we paid for it. Oh yeah!!!!

Okay back to the ice pack. I do get tired of holding that thing on there with my right hand. But it does help with the pain. Sigh!

Crap, Crap, Crap!!

2009-08-04T03:42:00.000-07:00

Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!!!!

I do not know exactly what I did but I like to lay on my sides and I am getting tired of laying on the right side shoulder and every so often I have been laying on my left shoulder. At first it hurt really a lot and lasted a few seconds and then the next time minutes. So the past few days I have made it for almost a half hour and if I am asleep I am not sure how long before I turn over.

Well tonight I went on lay on the couch on that side and crap I am not sure what I did wrong, I slipped and fell and twisted something in my shoulder. Shit, Shit, Shit, was all I could say and damn it hurts like hell. My whole upper left side of my body was throbbing, my hand went numb again and I was moaning in pain for a while. Crap why did this happen? That whole side still is in pain. It took me a long while before I could move to get up to go to the bathroom and writing this is for my screwed up memory. And to top that off I had been busy reading blogs, but not commenting, being a good girl. Well I did say a little bit on a few, but basically being good. So that ended it.

I am writing this to tell you all to be careful when you have any surgery. Moans, and more moans. Pain sucks. Gonna go now and try to sleep. Oh please dear God let me sleep. Amen.

I oh so hope that prayer helps.

God bless.

Viagra

2009-07-31T03:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, sometimes I get some really great e-mail that really makes me laugh. And then comes one like this, which really makes me laugh, but I cannot post it on the Place, but am so glad that I can post it here.

I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did.

Viagra

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: 'MOUNT & DO'.

Another Bath

2009-07-30T02:08:00.000-07:00

Now I must be a gluten for punishment, because I am determined to take a bath. Well actually hubby gets upset if I do not use that dang Jacuzzi every so often. He will start complaining about why did he spend so much money to put it in for me if I do not use it. And since I was the one who bugged him about wanting one I guess I feel obligated to take a bath every so many days to show appreciation. Oh screw him, I just like to take a bath and feel those jets massaging my aching back.

Now mind you I did ask the Physical Therapist (his name is Dave, same as hubby's) if I could take a bath. You know what, he never once asked me about if I could get in or out of the dang thing. But he did tell me that it was okay as long as the jets did not make my shoulder hurt. So today I took another one. I am not sure why getting down was easy, but after an hour of soaking and playing my DS, talking to my mom on the phone, I needed to get out again. I thought oh wow I got down so easily, it will be a piece of cake to get back up. It freaking was not. There I sat again, stuck. I am such an idiot. But the bath did feel so good on my back. I did not try the jets on my shoulder because I was afraid that they might cause some pain. And we all know that taking pain pills suck and I am trying so hard to only take what is totally necessary.

So I started thinking, and mind you, no one else was home so I was really stuck. I tried this way and that way, but it still hurt too much to push up. Then it hit me, when I had gotten down I had turned towards the wall. Maybe if I turn towards the wall when trying to get up, it will not hurt. Yippee, it worked. I finally got up, with tolerable pain. Then the phone rings. Mom calling me back. She thinks I am crazy. She never takes a bath.

Oh Happy Day! Nurse Ratched's Back

2009-07-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hi faithful Mrsupole readers - Croney here from Crone and Bear It.

I have been invited to guest blog and rant and rave about my own crap so here goes! This may take awhile so please stay with me. Let me vent about how it feels to be injured beyond belief at the tender age of %$...dammit what's wrong with my numbers keypad...injured at the tender age of &^...how odd, I can't seem to get my tender age across to you. Oh well. Trust me I'm too young to be this hurt and it was only a short (short my a$$) 6 months ago when I fell on ice, dislocated my shoulder and broke my back. Bummer. Hurt like bloody hell. As those of you (all 7 now) who follow me know I have been in constant physical therapy -- first for the shoulder which has mostly healed now (except I hurt it tonight moving furniture but that's another story) -- and then 3 months after my accident the doctor who had been treating me for back spasms "discovered" I had also broken my back. Damn quack - and he had me on high doses of Percocet and Valium all that time -- (d*ckwad) oops excuse my language. Mrsupole has explained to you what happens to your digestive system when you take pain pills -- it's called constipation and I can attest to the fact that the extra dosage of Valium makes it worse. It's not fun to be stopped up for a week and then try and pass a watermelon out your derriere. I seriously considered requesting a shovel from Devoted Spouse and asking him to dig but that was just crossing that spousal line - so I finally gave birth to Rhino poop and cried like a baby. I think I lost about 5 pounds that night alone and I can't imagine how high our sewer bill and water bill will be next month.

Now I'm in physical therapy for the damage done to my back which includes a right hip and leg which won't work correctly. I limp like I'm 90 and have the strength of a 4-month old baby - no I take that back; a 4 month old baby could whip my a$$ in a race any day of the week. The therapists put me through torture twice a week; exercise and deep tissue massage and stretching into positions a person shouldn't go - ever -- not even the Karma Sutra should allow this contortionist crap. I was given a cane which I returned; it will be a cold day in Hades before I give in to a cane. No, I will walk normally again if it kills me and if it does, I'm taking one of the therapists out with me I swear. Now I understand why people climb clock towers and become snipers.

Pain is my constant companion. It hurts in the morning when I get up and must spend 30 minutes on several icepacks for the inflammation. Sitting on icepacks angers me, makes me cold and as they start to melt I have to pee. Then I must bathe, dress, and off to physical therapy where these bat rastards take turns stretching my damaged tendons, ligaments, and muscles like I'm some kind of silly putty. It hurts so much I want to slap them and have been known to grab someone's arm hair and pull when he hits a sore spot too deeply. He tells me to "breathe out the pain." Yeah, let me bite your gluteous maximus and we'll see who's breathing out the pain, big boy.

One of my torturers, Agador Spartacus (he resembles Hank Azaria in Birdcage) can't weigh 150 pounds soaking wet but he's strong and flexible and just for that reason alone I hate him. I also hate him because he gets up at 4:45 in the morning to work out before coming to work - he's just always bouncing around Mr. Flexible - show-off ---break your back and we'll talk, sweetie.

Most days I get the ministrations of Chunky Monkey who resembles a younger version of James Belushi. He's very strong and gives me difficult work-outs and always causes me to go home and grab the icepacks. By the time he's done with me I'm usually an inch shorter and listing to port a bit. He gives me home exercises to do (oh joy) and always, at least, bless his heart, tells me if it hurts to stop.

Today I saw Nurse Ratched - another PT there. I arrived late, and had spilled my breakfast of cottage cheese and tomato juice all over me so I looked homeless and stunk, plus I was having hot flashes and sweating like a pig and I just wanted her to suffer as I was suffering. You see, she never says "stop if you hurt", she says, "give me ten more" -- freaking drill sergeant witch. Plus she's thin. I hate her. It is totally unfair to have people pummel and prod you when none of them have walked a mile in your shoes (oh wait crap, I can't walk a block in my shoes). Crap, crap, crap.

Did I mention all of them are young? Crap, crap, crap. This morning one of the assistants was wearing a sling for an elbow injury. Welcome to my world, sweetie, not much fun is it? Wait till you try and go to the bathroom, or take a shower, or put your clothes on. Oh the indignity of it all. Crap, crap and more crap.

I feel better now. Thank you Mrsupole for allowing me to post my crap. This works better than therapy and there's no co-pay.

Taking A Bath!!

2009-07-23T03:30:00.000-07:00

Stuck!!!!!

So today I decided to take a bath. I have a large Jacuzzi bathtub and I knew I could not use the jets, but heck I wanted to soak in a bath. And I thought if I soak that part below causing all that pain that maybe it would make those hemmi's feel better.

So I step into the tub and get the water going. I pour in some lavender bubble bath and the bubbles start building up. Then I tried to sit down in the tub. Now I want you to know that with my arthritic knees sitting down in the bathtub with two good shoulders is not an easy thing. But sitting down with one good shoulder was pretty dang hard. I was determined to have my bath and so I got down somehow. Hubby walked in when I was trying to sit down and wanted to know what the heck I was doing. I told him I was trying to sit down in the bathtub and take a damn bath. What the heck did he think I was trying to do?

So I fill up the tub to just below my shoulder level because I do not want to soak the stitches and I settle in to play some games on my Nintendo DS. I was having fun just relaxing and then hubby comes in a few times to check on me. He then takes a shower in the other bathroom and lays in the bed to watch TV.

Then I wash my hair, with one good arm and hand it is pretty hard. I slide into the water and rinse the shampoo out. Damn it, I should not have moved that way. However I moved it hurt like hell. Then I have to sit back up in the tub. Crap that hurt to get back up. So I wash myself with the scrubber and rinse off. I let the water out. Hubby had just checked on me and was back in bed.

Then I needed to get out and dry off. Uh, how am I gonna get out of the bathtub. I just sat there. I was not going to call Hubby for help, he would just gripe about why I had taken a bath in the first place. So there I sat, trying to figure out how to get out. I tried different ways and they did not work. I could not get up. Now mind you my towel is still hanging up because I could not get up to get it. I am still sitting there. Well at least I am feeling cool, okay it was freaking cold cause the A/C air was blowing on me. How was I going to get up?

I knew that no matter what I did it was going to hurt. And so I finally just bit the bullet, took the damn pain and somehow I got up in the tub. I was so happy to not have the embaressment of Hubby having to help me. I dried off so I could get the heck out of the tub. Oh, and it did help, the hemmi's are not burning quite so much. I guess it was all worth it.

Yea me!!

The Shunt Removed and Now the Pain

2009-07-18T04:05:00.000-07:00

Getting Rid of More Crap!!!!

Okay, Thursday afternoon the doctor removed the shunt from my arm. The shunt had a tube connected to a ball full of something similar to novicaine that the dentist shoots your mouth full of just before they drill the cavity caused from eating too much candy. Anyway this was causing my shoulder and arm to be numb, so no pain was being felt there.

Now pain is totally being felt in the shoulder and arm area. I do not move, pain, I move, then freaking pain comes. I try to sleep, can't due to pain. Pain pills cause, see previous post, so that was even more painful, so now drinking lots of prune juice and taking fiber tabs. They are helping. Pain pills are not helping.

I am so freaking tired that I cannot sleep and as much as I love my hubby, he snores like a freight train, so no sleep from that too. Than when he gets up he thinks everyone should be awake, and so he keeps trying to wake me up. I will just fall asleep and then he wakes me up with, "Hey would you like a cup of tea?" No I want to sleep, does he not know this. Then, "Are you hungry for some breakfast?" It is four in the afternoon, breakfast is over. I want some sleep.

Cell phone rings. Throw across the room. Granddaughter comes to visit, give her a big hug and say shut the freaking door. I love you, but I am trying to sleep here. Finally guilt gets to me, and I get up. They make me a strawberry shake, yummy, this will help with problem pain pills cause. Smoked baby back ribs, no veggies, no starch, just freaking ribs. This will not help with pain pill problem. Ha, found another cup of leftover strawberry shake. This must be the "veggies" to go with the ribs. Sigh. Oh they were good. A few hours later I find leftover chinese food, lots of veggies in there. So good. Take a pain pill.

Finally able to take a shower and wash hair. Granddaughter stays with me to help. I love her so much, she must love me to do this for me. Oh so painful, but I do this,---- smell great now. Granddaughter changes bandages over the stitches for me. Underarm is just one big giant bruise. Lots of bruises, big one from emergency IV they gave during surgery. Bruises from shots given in my thighs. One was "goody" pain shot. Probably gave me more constipation.

Okay, I guess I have wrote enough crap about today.

I love this crappy writing and complaining I get to do here. If any of you want to join in as a contributing author, just let me know and if I can figure out how to add you or you can give me step by step instructions I will add you.

This is the place to get "peace" by getting rid of all the crap we put up with each day.

God bless us all.

A Very Crappy Day!!!

2009-07-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bad crappy day for me. The nurse said that the medicine would cause constipation and whoa, she was not kidding. Painful, painful constipation. Well after a lot of prune juice, Ex-Lax, lots of fiber and some glycerine suppositories, Houston, finally launched, a very painful launch after many hours of cancelled launches, we were successful. Then came the opposite, and the launchings were almost non-stop. So what the crap was this. I guess I am a swinger, I swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. I hope I am in the final stages of the medicine doing this, but we will see. A glass of prune juice each day will now be required to stop the waiting for the launch to succeed. But no more Ex-Lax hopefully.

Hope you all had a better day than I did.

God bless.

First Complaint!!!

2009-07-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't usually complain at the Place because I want that to be a fun site, but I am so tired of the pain in my shoulder not letting me sleep. Here it is after a few hours of sleep and now it is keeping me awake because I cannot get comfortable. I pray that when the surgery is done that I will be able to take the pain for the first few weeks and then after that be able to start sleeping more than a few hours. I am so tired and for many days it seems like I never really slept at all. Just too much pain to handle sometimes. It will bring tears to my eyes and I will be moaning and groaning in pain. Please, let the pain go away.

It is 7:22am and I am going to try and go back to sleep. Oh please let me get some blessed sleep.