Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Oh Happy Day! Nurse Ratched's Back

Hi faithful Mrsupole readers - Croney here from Crone and Bear It.

I have been invited to guest blog and rant and rave about my own crap so here goes! This may take awhile so please stay with me. Let me vent about how it feels to be injured beyond belief at the tender age of %$...dammit what's wrong with my numbers keypad...injured at the tender age of &^...how odd, I can't seem to get my tender age across to you. Oh well. Trust me I'm too young to be this hurt and it was only a short (short my a$$) 6 months ago when I fell on ice, dislocated my shoulder and broke my back. Bummer. Hurt like bloody hell. As those of you (all 7 now) who follow me know I have been in constant physical therapy -- first for the shoulder which has mostly healed now (except I hurt it tonight moving furniture but that's another story) -- and then 3 months after my accident the doctor who had been treating me for back spasms "discovered" I had also broken my back. Damn quack - and he had me on high doses of Percocet and Valium all that time -- (d*ckwad) oops excuse my language. Mrsupole has explained to you what happens to your digestive system when you take pain pills -- it's called constipation and I can attest to the fact that the extra dosage of Valium makes it worse. It's not fun to be stopped up for a week and then try and pass a watermelon out your derriere. I seriously considered requesting a shovel from Devoted Spouse and asking him to dig but that was just crossing that spousal line - so I finally gave birth to Rhino poop and cried like a baby. I think I lost about 5 pounds that night alone and I can't imagine how high our sewer bill and water bill will be next month.

Now I'm in physical therapy for the damage done to my back which includes a right hip and leg which won't work correctly. I limp like I'm 90 and have the strength of a 4-month old baby - no I take that back; a 4 month old baby could whip my a$$ in a race any day of the week. The therapists put me through torture twice a week; exercise and deep tissue massage and stretching into positions a person shouldn't go - ever -- not even the Karma Sutra should allow this contortionist crap. I was given a cane which I returned; it will be a cold day in Hades before I give in to a cane. No, I will walk normally again if it kills me and if it does, I'm taking one of the therapists out with me I swear. Now I understand why people climb clock towers and become snipers.

Pain is my constant companion. It hurts in the morning when I get up and must spend 30 minutes on several icepacks for the inflammation. Sitting on icepacks angers me, makes me cold and as they start to melt I have to pee. Then I must bathe, dress, and off to physical therapy where these bat rastards take turns stretching my damaged tendons, ligaments, and muscles like I'm some kind of silly putty. It hurts so much I want to slap them and have been known to grab someone's arm hair and pull when he hits a sore spot too deeply. He tells me to "breathe out the pain." Yeah, let me bite your gluteous maximus and we'll see who's breathing out the pain, big boy.

One of my torturers, Agador Spartacus (he resembles Hank Azaria in Birdcage) can't weigh 150 pounds soaking wet but he's strong and flexible and just for that reason alone I hate him. I also hate him because he gets up at 4:45 in the morning to work out before coming to work - he's just always bouncing around Mr. Flexible - show-off ---break your back and we'll talk, sweetie.

Most days I get the ministrations of Chunky Monkey who resembles a younger version of James Belushi. He's very strong and gives me difficult work-outs and always causes me to go home and grab the icepacks. By the time he's done with me I'm usually an inch shorter and listing to port a bit. He gives me home exercises to do (oh joy) and always, at least, bless his heart, tells me if it hurts to stop.

Today I saw Nurse Ratched - another PT there. I arrived late, and had spilled my breakfast of cottage cheese and tomato juice all over me so I looked homeless and stunk, plus I was having hot flashes and sweating like a pig and I just wanted her to suffer as I was suffering. You see, she never says "stop if you hurt", she says, "give me ten more" -- freaking drill sergeant witch. Plus she's thin. I hate her. It is totally unfair to have people pummel and prod you when none of them have walked a mile in your shoes (oh wait crap, I can't walk a block in my shoes). Crap, crap, crap.

Did I mention all of them are young? Crap, crap, crap. This morning one of the assistants was wearing a sling for an elbow injury. Welcome to my world, sweetie, not much fun is it? Wait till you try and go to the bathroom, or take a shower, or put your clothes on. Oh the indignity of it all. Crap, crap and more crap.

I feel better now. Thank you Mrsupole for allowing me to post my crap. This works better than therapy and there's no co-pay.


  1. OMG "Rhino poop"?
    I almost died from laughter.
    Sorry, Percoset did the same thing to me. I drank almost an entire bottle of mineral oil and it felt like I gave birth to a porcupine.
    LOL ouch LOL LOL

  2. Hi Auntie - Remember Jurassic Park where she finds the huge pile of rhino poop? Yup. Rhino poop. Flushed so many times I thought our city water tower would drain. Ouch.

  3. Hi Linda,

    I cannot stop laughing, you are so funny. I too wanted to dig it out and the darn thing would not budge, but finally the freaking watermelon or maybe it was a baby came out. I seriously felt like I had given birth to something and was so surprised it went down the tubes. But there are three plumbers in the family so all would be well. I have been drinking a bottle of prune juice every 3 days. I am trying to think if I make a prune milk shake with all the dried prunes if that would be better. My intestines keep talking on top of that. I am trying to watch TV and they just keep making so much noise. I cannot go out in public because people would wonder who the hell I was hiding down there making all that noise. I seriously think I need to find out how one can make money off of prune juice.

    Thank you for joining me here and writing this. It really made me laugh so much. I think I will read it a few more times. I really needed that laugh.

    Laughter is the best medicine.

    Your skinny PT people seem scarey, my appointment today was just pretty much to evaluate and the real crap will start on my Thursday appt. Oh how I do not want to go, but they made me sign a paper that I have to pay them $25 if I miss an appointment. Crap, that is what will make me go there. I have to give them a 24 hour notice if I cancel or I pay. Uh I was the only patient there, do you think they have learned how to make easy money. Uh yes. But if it makes me show up I guess it is okay.

    God bless.

  4. Oh and Auntie with a porcupine, maybe that was what it was, cause it is still so freaking painful down there. I am dreading sitting on that throne each day. I have Tucks, Prep H suppositories, Prep H cream and wipees for the area. Seriously more scarey than my shoulder pain.

    LOL at what you both wrote.

    God bless.

  5. Hi Mrsupole - I've been eating Devoted Spouse's Fiber One bars and they help but too many and it causes what I like to refer to as Butt Blowout and that's not pretty either. So it's either one extreme or the other these days. I see no "end" in sight...*sigh*

  6. Mrsupole - P.S. They may be skinny but all kidding aside I adore them all - they work so hard on my behalf and by the grace of God and their hard work I am making progress. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to slap one of them occasionally! LOL

  7. Oh you girls just make me smile and laugh then I feel bad because I am laughing at your expense and your pain. I too have been through that unfortunate "birthing process" since some of my regular medications can cause the same problem. Use Benefiber or Miralax, they are tasteless and you can add it to water, juice or soups - any liquid type of food or drink and it isn't ucky like good old Metamucil. No thickness to it at all.

    I hope your PT works well and is over soon for both of you lovely ladies.

  8. You know if you had "heavy" PT people, now that would be scarey, cause then it would mean that they must not be working very hard. I like all my PT people to be in good shape and skinny cause that means they are keeping theirselves in good shape too. But I oh so wish I looked that way again. Now when my shoulder is fixed I am gonna have to go work on losing that weight again. Lots and lots of weight to lose. I swear I put 15 pounds back on since I found out I had the torn tendon and had to rest my arm and shoulder area. Although it really did help so much with the pain. It just made me lazy. Lazy is my middle name right now. Guess I better go put that pulley thing on the door and go exercise. I already did my circles. Then I better go do something with my right arm. I think I need to exercise more than my shoulder.

    And I totally know about the other blow out part. The grandkids thought it was so funny to hear Grandma have gas. They all think for some reason that I never pass gas. Boy since the surgery they sure got an ear full. Heck two ear fulls.

    God bless.

  9. Just blame it on someone else - I ALWAYS blame EmmaLou - that dang dog seems to be gassy all the time for some reason (?) LOL